Final Fantasy 7: Parttime program
by LegendDragon
Summary: a group of FF7 trying to find a good job to earn money so they could keep Tifa's bar forever.
1. Parttime Program

Director: This should be a great show. I mean, this is your first comedy scene since the Final Fantasy 7 thing, right?  
  
Cloud: And why the hell do I have to wear a chicken suit?!  
  
Director: 'Cuz it's funny.  
  
Barret: Sure is!  
  
Cloud: Ah, shaddap....  
  
Yuffie: Hey! How come I don't get to fight?! I wanna fight!  
  
Director: Sorry, but this isn't the action packed, materia equipping, blow your enemies straight to hell action gig you're used to. It's COMEDY.  
  
Yuffie: Then why am I here?!  
  
Director: Telling by your role in FF7, you're like the moronic comic relief.  
  
Yuffie: Why do I have the feeling that I was just insulted?  
  
Cloud: Forget that, what about this chicken suit?! I'm NOT wearing a chicken suit!  
  
Director: Then you won't get paid.  
  
Cloud: Did I tell you how much I LOVE chicken suits? Life just isn't complete without my chicken suit!  
  
Sephiroth: I still don't see why I can't be the demonic villain bad ass.  
  
Director: Well, for the sake of the comedy level, we had to reduce you down to being a jerk who's purpose in the story is to make Cloud's life a living hell.  
  
Cloud: I fail to see the difference here... 


	2. Act I: What job!

Act I  
  
Cloud sat at Tifa's bar with an empty glass, drumming his fingers onto the wooden bar surface.  
  
"Man, this is SO boring! I need something to do. I wonder what the guys are up to?"  
  
Just then, Tifa walked in through the door. Cloud turned around to see her enter and walk across the room and behind the bar. She looked at him with a serious look in her eyes.  
  
"Cloud, we have to talk."  
  
Cloud smiled, "Sure. Is there something wrong?"  
  
Tifa nodded, "Yeah, we're broke."  
  
Cloud raised an eyebrow, "How? I thought we had about 30,000 gil stashed away in a safe?"  
  
Tifa sighed, "All gone. It just disappeared."  
  
Cloud pulled out his Buster Sword and twirled it about over his head, "Don't worry, I'll catch the thief and get back our money!"  
  
Tifa only shook her head, "If anyone in the slums took it, then they're probably long gone by now. Anyway, everyone's getting a job so we won't have to go looking for the stolen money. And that include YOU, Cloud."  
  
Cloud's eye widened, "A REAL job?! But, but.." Cloud doubled over and hit the floor with a thud. He began to roll around a bit. "OW! I have a stomach ache! Ooooh, it hurts so bad!"  
  
Tifa rolled her eyes and said, "You're still gonna have to get a job, Cloud."  
  
"D'OH!" Cloud exclaimed. Cloud stood up and dusted himself off. Tifa walked around the bar she was behind and held both of his hands, looking into his eyes with a smile.  
  
"Please, do me this favor and look for a job. Wouldn't you like to help me, Cloud?"  
  
Cloud then noticed that Tifa's mellons were jiggling and her clevage was in full view. Cloud nodded with a dopey looking smile on his face.  
  
Tifa kissed his cheek and said, "Thank you so much, Cloud." She let his hands go and Cloud went stumbling out of the bar like a dopey dwarf. Tifa smiled as he left, "Works every time...." 


	3. Barret's job

Meanwhile, Barret was at his job interview for a toy store. "Well, Barret. I see that your hobbies are 'Wreckin' shop on punk ass Shinra soldiers', but what's that have to do with working stock at this store?"  
  
Barret tapped the gun on his arm and said, "Decrease in theft."  
  
The interviewer gulped a bit, "Oh...kay....um, what other skills do you have that will help you with this job?"  
  
Barret grinned, "I'm good with kids. Kids love me."  
  
The interviewer smiled, "Really? Okay. Let me give you a scenario. I want you to respond to it as you would in the actual situation. Okay, a group of kids come in and run around the store, taking toys of the racks and throwing them carelessly on the floor. When you confront them, they tell you they're not going to clean up the mess. What do you do?"  
  
Barret stood up and fired off a few rounds into the air, causing chunks of the ceiling to fall to the floor. "Awright, brats! You're gonna clean up your damn mess right now, or I'm gonna fill your little narrow asses with steamin' hot lead, GOT IT?!"  
  
The interviewer sank back into his chair, "Uh, we'll call you...."  
  
Barret nodded, "That means I get the job, right?"  
  
The interviewer only replied, "We'll be calling in a few days to let you know."  
  
Barret shrugged his shoulders, "Awright, then. Have yaself a good day, then."  
  
Barret stepped out of the office as the interviewer promptly fainted. 


	4. Cid's Day Care

Meanwhile, Cid is taking up employment at a local day care center. He takes a good look around, watching the kids running around and playing.  
  
The female supervisor approached him and said, "Are you nervous? This IS your first day, after all."  
  
Cid gave her a strange look, "Me? Nervous? Hell, no! I baby-sat before, that sh*t ain't hard at all."  
  
The woman frowned with disapproval, "Mr. Highwind, could you please avoid using that harsh language around the children?"  
  
Cid raised an eyebrow, "What f*ckin' harsh language?"  
  
The woman glared, "That!"  
  
Cid still looked dumbfounded, "I'm sorry, but I don't know what the f*ck yer talkin' about, lady."  
  
The woman looked at Cid and lowered her voice so the kids couldn't hear, "I don't allow the words 'f*ck' or 'sh*t' to be spoken in here."  
  
Cid's eyebrow lowered, "Oh. Well, how about 'bitch'? Cuz that's what the hell you're actin' like! An uppity, damned uptight b*tch!"  
  
The woman gasped, "Well, same to you, you...you....F*CKING JACKASS!!!"  
  
Suddenly, all the kids turned around and stopped EVERYTHING the were doing to look at the woman in surprise. Those who didn't stare in shock, began to cry.  
  
Cid looked at the woman and shook his finger at her mockingly, "Such language, miss." The woman began to scream in frustration and began to frantically tear her hair out. Cid smirked as he whipped out a cigarette and stuck it into the side of his mouth. He lit it up on his way out the door. "Hehe, I love doin' that." 


	5. Break time from TV show

(Tifa is seen storming through the backstage hallways with a serious frown on her face. Obviously, she was in one of her 'kick ass and take names' moods. You had no choice but to feel sorry for the poor, pathetic fool she was after. She finally came to a door which was mark with a sign that read "Writer's Lounge".  
  
Tifa smiled with menace as she kicked open the door, causing it to fly off the hinges. The guy who was inside, drinking his orange soda looked up to see a door flying at him. He tried to move, but the door slammed into him and before he knew it, he was plastered into the wall. Tifa marched inside and over to the guy. She then proceeded to grab the guy by his shirt collar. She gritted her teeth and asked with a tone that ensured certain doom if the wrong thing was said.)  
  
Tifa: The writer, I presume?  
  
Guy: Uh....no.....  
  
Tifa: DON'T play games with me! You're the writer, aren't you?!  
  
Guy: .............  
  
Tifa: Answer!  
  
Guy: ............  
  
Tifa: You have 5 seconds to answer and stop starting at my chest!!!  
  
Guy: Oh, I'm sorry. Were you saying something?  
  
Tifa: Grrrrrrrrrr..........  
  
Guy: Uh, the writer's out at the moment....  
  
Tifa: He sure is!  
  
*POW!*  
  
Tifa stormed out of the room, leaving the guy laid out on the floor with a black eye. The guy slowly sat up, holding his damaged eye.  
  
MG4: Ow! Something tells me she read the script.....  
  
(Just then, Cloud walked in.)  
  
Cloud: Uh, I need to talk to you.  
  
MG4: Can it wait? I'm in pain.  
  
Cloud: Nope, it can't. I need to talk to you right NOW.  
  
MG4: Fine, what is it?  
  
Cloud: About this chicken suit.....  
  
MG4: Look, you get paid extra for it, so what's the problem?  
  
Cloud: No check in the WORLD is worth my pride!  
  
MG4: This from a guy who cross dressed with a pig-tailed wig.....  
  
Cloud: That's beside the point! I happen to find those clothes comfortable!  
  
MG4: ...........  
  
Cloud: Um, I'd like to retract my last statement.....  
  
Aeris: (in the background) Naughty Cloud!  
  
MG4 & Cloud: AHHHH! GHOST!  
  
(They both did a mad dash out of the room.)  
  
(Afterwards, we see Cait Sith come out of the closet with a portable voice effector device and a big, cheesy grin. He waddled his large body over toward the snack machine.)  
  
Aeris (in background): You're a big meany, Cait Sith!  
  
(Cait Sith stopped where he was and looked around the seemingly empty room.)  
  
Cait Sith: Hey! Whoever that is, cut it out! That's MY joke, dammit! I'll sue ya!  
  
Aeris: Stop being MEAN! NOW!  
  
Cait Sith: Come on out, you! Joke's over!  
  
(Just then, Cait Sith got his wish. The spirit of Aeris came out from above and stared at him blankly. Cait Sith raised an eyebrow as he slowly backed away. Aeris floated closer to him. Cait Sith backed away some more. Suddenly, Aeris dashed at him, making goofy looking faces.)  
  
Aeris: OOGA BOOGA!  
  
Cait Sith (high pitch): AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!  
  
(Cait Sith ran out the room like Satan himself was chasing him.)  
  
Aeris: Hey! Come back here, tubby!  
  
(Aeris quickly flew out after him.) 


	6. Act II: More jobs!

ACT II  
  
Yuffie is seen dressed in a business suit at a local materia store. Shaking hands with the manager, she was given the job on the spot, due to her vast knowledge on all types of materia.  
  
"Well, Yuffie. Welcome aboard. I know that you will bring better business to my establishment."  
  
Yuffie nodded, "You can count on me, sir!!"  
  
The manager looked at his watch. "It's time for my 1:00 lunch break, can you look after the store while I'm gone?"  
  
Yuffie nodded, "Sure thing, sir!!"  
  
The manager walk toward the door, "I'll be back in an hour." The manager was now gone.  
  
Yuffie looked around the store, "Wow! I'm actually working in a materia store! This is SO cool!" Then, she saw it. In a glass case, there was the Knights of Round materia. It gleamed with a red aura as Yuffie's eyes were locked on it. Just then, a customer walked in. Looking around the store for a person who could help him, he saw the only employee there. A drooling clerk. Yuffie's tongue was hanging out of her mouth like a begging dog as pink hearts replaced the pupils of her eyes. "Gaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh......."  
  
"Excuse me, miss."  
  
"Waaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh....."  
  
"Um, hello?"  
  
"Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......."  
  
"HEY!"  
  
"ACK!"  
  
Yuffie fell onto the floor from that suddenly snap out of her trance. She looked up at the customer and quickly stood up, wiping the drool from her mouth. "Uh, how can I help you, sir?!"  
  
The guy replied, "Uh, do you carry any Knights of Round materia?"  
  
Yuffie stood in front of the glass case with the Knight of Round inside. "Nope! Sorry, we don't have it! Yep, no Knights of Round here! None at all!"  
  
The guy raised an eyebrow, "Oh....kay. Um, thanks...." He slowly backed out of the store. Yuffie suddenly had a crazed look in her eyes now. She was in yet, another materia trance.  
  
She looked around the store and muttered to herself, "It's all mine...all mine...they all wanna take it from me! No one can take my materia! I AM MATERIA HUNTER YUFFIE! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!"  
  
Another customer walked in. "Excuse me, ma'am. Do you have-"  
  
"GET. OUT!"  
  
The little boy ran out without hesitation, "She's possessed!"  
  
Yuffie reached into her shirt and pulled out a huge sack. She then proceeded to clean house. "MINE!!! ALL MINE!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"  
  
Moments later, Yuffie is seen hopping rooftops with a huge bag while laughing her silly, little head off as if she had won the lottery. To her, it WAS winning the lottery.  
  
The store manager came back to see there was NO materia in the store. The only thing that was left in the store was a note on the counter. He picked it up and saw that there was only one word on it.  
  
"YOINK!" 


	7. Cloud's job

Meanwhile, Cloud was at Gold Saucer, applying for a job. "Are you sure that's the ONLY job you have available?!"  
  
The man nodded, "Yep, that's the only one. Take it or leave it."  
  
Cloud sighed, "Fine, I'll take the job...." Cloud muttered, "Stupid Tifa and her stupid bouncing jiggling double K boobies...makin' me do stuff. Mmmm...jiggly...gahhhhhhh........."  
  
The man then handed Cloud the chocobo suit and showed him to his post outside of Gold Saucer. "Here. And you might wanna wipe the drool off yer face, too."  
  
Cloud quickly did so, "Oh, my bad..."  
  
The man continued," By the way, Cloud. I'd like to introduce you to your supervisor."  
  
Cloud looked around, "Where is he?"  
  
The man shrugged, "Who knows? He's always vanishing out of site and popping back up. Ah, there he is." Cloud spun around to see who his supervisor was.  
  
"Not you!"  
  
Sephiroth smirked, "Indeed."  
  
Cloud slowly reached for his sword, which was conveniently behind him, although no one ever sees it until he actually takes it out.  
  
Sephiroth smirked, knowing Cloud's intention, "What are you reaching for, Cloud?"  
  
Cloud sneered, "You murderer! You killed Aeris!"  
  
Sephiroth shrugged with a smug look, "I have no affiliation with the event in question."  
  
Cloud shouted, "You bastard, I'll-"  
  
Sephiroth smiled, "Are you about to threaten your supervisor? 'Cuz if you are, you can lose your job. Great union, huh?"  
  
Cloud sneered.  
  
The guy who hired Cloud shrugged, "Since you two seem to be old friends, I'll leave you two to your work." He walked off as Cloud had a look of despair and Sephiroth grinned with PURE evil.  
  
Sephiroth looked at Cloud and pointed to a group of approaching children, "Hey, Cloud. Cluck like a chocobo for the little kiddies."  
  
Cloud folded his arms, "I won't let you take my dignity!"  
  
Sephiroth grinned, "Then I won't let you keep your job. I bet that girl with the breasts the size of Midgar is going to be VERY upset if you get fired...."  
  
Cloud's eyes widened, "What the?! How do you know-?! YOU'RE the one who stole the money from the safe?!"  
  
Sephiroth shook his head, "Of course not! What to you think I have minions for?!"  
  
Cloud gritted his teeth, "First, you kill Aeris and now THIS! I'm gonna-"  
  
"Cluck for the kiddies! That WAS what you were about to say, right? Or would you rather lose this job?" Cloud marched over to the little kids, cursing Sephiroth's very existence.  
  
As Cloud proceeded to flap his arms, run around in a circle and exclaim, "WARK! WARK! WAAAAAAAAAAAARK!" The kids laughed and pointed at him. Then, they decided to kick the snot out of the Gold Saucer mascot as Sephiroth rolled on the ground with uncontrollable laughter. Cloud was also rolling on the ground, but he had no reason to laugh. Especially since those kids practically stomped a mud hole in him and walked it dry.  
  
When they were done beating Cloud with an inch of his life, he looked more like he had been trampled in the middle of the 'Weapon incident'. The chocobo suit was covered with sooty Nike and Reebok footprints. And one, big Timberland footprint on the beak of the costume. Cloud slowly tried to get up, thinking about how much he hated his life. Sephiroth came over to the fallen Cloud who was lying face down on the ground. He looked around and then grinned. Sephiroth then kicked Cloud with all his might, in the ribs.  
  
To play off his evil deed, he shouted, "Hey, kid! Leave him alone!"  
  
Cloud rolled over onto his back and said, "I know it was you...."  
  
Sephiroth looked at him innocently, "How? I didn't..."  
  
Cloud replied, "You're an evil bastard and you had the perfect opportunity."  
  
Sephiroth sighed and shook his head, "I'm not evil, I'm just misunderstood."  
  
Cloud sneered, "You're just as misunderstood as the devil himself....."  
  
Sephiroth beamed proudly, "I thank you for the complement. By the way. When your break comes around, I want you to clean up the chocobo stables, too. They smell."  
  
Cloud exclaimed, "But that's my BREAK time! I need to rest!"  
  
Sephiroth smirked, "Sure, you can rest at home, cuz you'll be fired. Mwahahaha...."  
  
Cloud sighed in despair, "Fine, I'll clean the stable...ya psychotic girlfriend slashin' freak...."  
  
Sephiroth looked at Cloud and then got another sinister smile, "Just for that, you have to clean up the chocobo droppings with your BARE hands....."  
  
Cloud cringed and exclaimed, "No way! That's some bullshit!"  
  
Sephiroth grinned, "Nope. Chocobo shit."  
  
"ARGH!!!" Cloud yanked off the head of his chocobo costume, threw it on the ground, and jumped up and down on it in insane rage as Sephiroth walked away, humming 'One Winged Angel'. Everyone else present blankly stared at Cloud.  
  
"Blondes," said one bystander.  
  
"Yeah, really," replied the other.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED. 


End file.
